The Intentional Blog.

End Jealousy and Frustration: Water Your Own Lawn

Psst! I want to tell you a secret about how you can feel awesome. And how you can stop wasting time on jealousy. For, like, ever.

First, a little story.

When I was little, I didn’t have a lot of “stuff.” I spent a decent amount of time wishing I had different toys…and later, clothes; wishing my family went on vacations to more awesome places. I spent just as much time trying to figure out how I could get those things. And just a dash of time spent on being jealous. 

My parents, being parents, constantly reminded me that I should be happy with what I had. But, I never really understood how I could be happy with “less” than I wanted.

Being younger, there weren’t a lot of ways for me change the things that were provided for me. I always had enough, but I always wanted something more or different. I’m sure a lot of you can relate to this. Everyone has bratty moments where they beg their parents for a new toy…some of us are just indulged more frequently than others. I never seemed to be able to get the “things” that other people had. Consequently, I felt satisfied pretty infrequently. Now matter how much I had (materially or otherwise), the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence. Turn’s out this is a great recipe for going through life in a miserable mood.

Now, unlike when I was younger, I have more agency over the components of my life than I did as a kid. I didn’t really get this until the last year or so, though. So I have the grown-up hard knocks to back it up when I say:

The grass is greener where you f*cking water it.

Other people will always be and have different things than you.

So how can you get rid of jealousy, stop wishing for things and start living the life that you want? Here are my ideas:

1. Put the blinders on: This works best as an initial and temporary phase. Everyone is going to have an opinion. That never changes. But, if you don’t take some time to figure out what you want, you’ll never find it. There will simply be too much noise. Even people who mean well can lead you astray if you don’t have your own sense of direction. Remember what they say about the path to hell…
2. Talk to People Who Can Help: Once you have some ideas about what you want, you can seek out the people that can help you get there (and avoid the people who won’t). I’m not talking about sycophantic asskissing or mindless social climbing. Having been on both sides of networking conversations I’ll say that, once you know where you want to go and can tell the story of why and how, people will be happy to help you gt there if they have a way.
3. Build Your Tribe: Everyone needs a support crew. Unfortunately, not everyone will be supportive of you. After you take your blinders off, remember that you cannot control what other people think about you; you can only control who’s in your tribe. Nobody can be a perfect cheerleader for your team all the time, of course. But the moment someone becomes more negative than positive, it’s time to separate yourself from that crappy energy and cut them loose. It will make room for people who mesh with you.
4. Equanimity: The things you want, want you. And you are in charge of taking the first steps to get to them. In its purest form, the only thing this requires is the smallest step in the right direction to start.

Sometimes, when I felt like I was in a rut, I felt like I was watching the life I wanted to live from afar. I could see it but didn’t think I could make it there. It seemed to be so far away…and it’s scary when you can’t see the whole road! The answer for me was to just take the first step, even if it’s the smallest baby step. You’re closer, you can see more of the path and the next step won’t be as terrifying.

You have to cultivate your own life and not worry what other people are doing. Will you find allthe answers immediately? No. Hell no. But the best things happen when you realize that, if you’re not happy, your problems are your own. And your own to solve. If you spend energy on what other people are up to, you probably won’t have the energy to get over the scary first step towards the things you want!

I suggest you start with watering your own lawn.